New Life...

... I`ve waited for so long, hoping that one sweet day the sun would show his fat face on my street too. And it did. Today it`s the day the sun started to shine again. Now it is all up to me, up to my strength. Because during all this time I have discovered that I am all alone. No one REALLY cares, and till now I have found no one knows the meaning of total commitment. Neither in friendship, nor in love... nowhere. No one knows how to love... completely, with no personal purpose and specially with no pride. I do... I am not perfect. But I know how to love, both friends and men. My problem is all the pain that I feel every single time when each (so-called) friend that I`ve got judges me, or insults me, or whatever. They think I don`t know... but I do. And it hurts like hell they believe I am so stupid that I can`t understand when they cheat me... or lie to me.

I know I am not their friend, but they are my friends. So despite I am going to be hurt each time when they will try to fool me, again and again, I will continue to love them.

For all that matters...

... no more mrs. Nice Blowjobing

Social Status

I have just found out that this shit matters. It really does. I have also found out that social status makes people heartless and stupid. I know that most of the excuses for failure sound like "it doesn`t matter what people think about you", or "it doesn`t matter what you are as long as you consider yourself worthy". I know there are no perfect people. There are no better people and worse people. All of us are in the way that human mind receives information, based on educational and cultural level.

Now... why whould I say that social status, as a basis-concept of criteria makes people stupid? Well, something very strange happened to me. A couple of days ago I`ve met with my oldest, best friends. I was happy just to see them, as we haven`t got the chance to meet for a long time. We ended up discussing what we have been doing, and other usual stuff.

I found out disrespect has the most peculiar sources: social stamps. It`s normal for people to judge other people. Yet I find it not normal the supreme judgment. I am not going to do that with them, I continue to respect them for what they are, for what they`ve taught me during the years. I will continue to respect them for the warm summer nights that we had spent playing poker, because they have given me the best years of my life.

What I don`t understand is their change their behaviour towards me regarding financial situation, or their opinion about my purposes. I have never asked them money, even though there were times when I was in deep need of it. I have never judge them for their uncertain love life, or for other personal matters or tastes. I discovered that I am being judged for what I`ve mentioned above.

Is self esteem something to be earned through the eyes of others? I don`t think so. I haven`t thought so neither during times of wealth, nor through times of poverty. Yet others do. So I guess I`ve got something bitter to chew for a couple of days. It will pass anyway.

Just In Case...

... I won`t enjoy what the doctor is gonna tell me tomorrow:

Reminder: Life Is Beautiful

After all... this is all that matters

Darkness Falls

Am cautat in 7 luni si zeci de stele
Rug de dorinta si magic-armonie,
Si am secat cu ura sute de cismele
Ca sa gasesc un mic crampei de bucurie;
Strigand a disperare si pustiu amarnic,
Probabil c-am sa mai plutesc pe-aceasta lume,
In leagane de-otrava si in balci sarcastic,
Dar n-am sa aflu cantul dulce-al vechiului tau nume.
Mi-e duhul ars, pustiu si plin de tina,
Iar ochii nu-mi mai vad decat venin,
Nu stiu de mor sau umblu fara tihna
In lumea asta mare, plina de suspin.
Mi-e teama dar, sa te mai gust o data,
Mi-e teama c-ai sa mori de-otrava grea si mare.
De-ai sti ce-a fost, de-ai sti vreodata,
De-ai sti amarul meu, durerea. Chemare:
A mortii, fara chibzuinta,
A uriciunii si eternei asteptari,
A goliciunii si a lipsei de vointa
De-a auzi inert, grotesc, perenele chemari.
Mi-e noaptea sora de tagada si pacat,
Iar luna-mi frange aripi negre-n zbor marcat
De umilintele lumesti de peste ziua sura,
De proprii demoni si de lipsa de masura.
Dragonii mei imi sunt straini, departe,
Iar fata ce-oglindeste-a ta privire clara
E hada-dulce-amarui-sihastra,
E scarba-mila-sila in lanul de secara.
Ce vrei, de fapt, chiar de la Moartea insasi?
Vrei zilele sa ti le curmi fara de judecata?
Ai plange milione de petunii. Sa-si
Faca zeii mila-sila-amar de tina-mi ne-mpacata.
Dar te iubesc etern de la distanta,
Din neagra mea mocirla,
Din fundul ros de iad, dar plin de rezonanta.
Chemarile-ti sunt mana,
Iar chipu-ti mi-e dojana,
Rusine mi-e, caci sunt strigoi,
Departe-adanc inchis
De-al vietii clar suvoi,
In pivnite de taina.

Drumul Vietii

In noaptea neagra si uitata-n veacuri,
Luna isi cerne valul sumbru de groteasca simfonie,
In stiluri crude-clare minte-n leacuri
Si-n crancena si prematur-alegorie.
Sub streasina de ganduri ude, infoiate,
Asterne ipocrit, cu mila prematura
O salba lucie de ganduri despuiate
De straiul limpede, mustind a ura,
Un vis rotund dar mort inca din fasa,
Ce suduie prelung si-si arde-a sale moaste,
Cu duhuri mici, neizbavite de a vietii taina,
Cu scoarte gri si dezinvolta haina.
Cat de usor e a rosti pacate,
Ce nu tu le-ai urzit incet in soapte!
Si-ti sunt zvarlite-n traista-n sila,
Cu chipul slobod de cuvant si mila.
Iar ranita ce-alegi s-o duci o-ntreaga viata,
Ti-e tropot dulce si-ndelung suspin,
Cu ranile deschise-n arc de piata
Si cugetul ce-si unduie-al sau chin.

Si-ai sa ma cauti in albastre departari,
Cand moarta eu voi fi de mult ce-am obosit.
Si-ai sa ma chemi, sa ma invoci din munti si mari,
Din ploi si secete si arzator desert ranit.

O stanca eu voi fi, pe care vei calca nestiutor,
Un spirit ranced, muced si lipsit de dor.