For Sasha

How do you say your heart is raining fear,
And words are mute inside your mind?
How does the sky keep being clear,
When darkness falls upon your mind?

How do you cry in empty rhymes,
The agony that drains your life,
Long years ended all in crimes,
Small painful talks begun in strife?

How can you shout to all the Gods,
That you have cried and crawled in dirt,
That you would die for sake of odds,
That you would pay for all this hurt?

How can you look into my eyes,
Since you`ve forgotten all I`ve loved?
Your life and heart are full of lies,
Your life and heart by hell are gloved.

Just sail away and kill my dreams
With bitter words and tiny lives!
Abandon me in Sasha`s screams,
I`ll fall asleep on beds of knives.

Perfection

Do you want me to be perfect? Because I can do that, so you will be pleased.
Do you want me to change my hairstyle? It is an easy way for you to breathe fresh air for a while.
Do your want me to wear contacts? They won`t hide what`s beneath the color.
Do you want me to cry? I will do that, if my tears will cover your heart with joy.
Do you want me to sell my body for you? Because I can do that to make you rich.
Do you want me to fight in a war for your name? I will do it if that makes you feel like a king.
Do you want me to go to a convent? Because in this way you will know that I`m physically clean.
Do you want me to be cool? Because I know that my universe written in huge mithril letters bores you like hell.
Do you want me to act differently than my usual self? Because I`ve got thousands of colorful masks, I went to Venice esspecially to buy them all.
Do you want me to be low? Because I know that this will make you feel better than me.


I dont want to be cool. That will kill all my unicorns.
I don`t want to be your hore. That will kill your respect for me.
I don`t want to change my hairstyle. That will teach you to accept me as I am.
I don`t want to wear contacts. That will make you see my truth.
I don`t want to be perfect. That will teach you to see your own flaws.
I don`t want to cry. That will teach you not to cry, and be strong.
I don`t want to fight your wars. That will teach you how to be a king.
I don`t want to go to a convent. That will teach you to accept your dirtiness.
I don`t want to be someone else. That will teach you to always tell the truth.
I don`t want to be low. That will teach you how NOT to hurt other people.

Truth

Sometimes mind and eyes can hurt hearts, just by showing what they understand and see in people`s eyes. I know not how to handle lies. I know not how to hide the truth. I had replaced my heart with a steel one... but now it`s hurting my chest. My head is up, for I have no reason to bow to the ground. I needed warmth, but I guess it is quite late in the night to ask for that, or to endure what Gods prescribed on my recipe for happiness. Yet thirst and hunger dig huge graves into my heart, just to remind me of my souless being, or my sharp blades covered with blood and sin.

The mask I`m wearing is getting heavier, it cuts my face and makes me despicable to myself and to my mirrors. Queens must be tought the lesson of betrayal, girls should be tought the lesson of maturity and women should be tought the lesson of modesty. People should be tought the lesson of life. Space and time are the synonims of virtue, as long as logics and common sense are two ciggaretes that are to be smoked in one corner of a dark room.

My age is not my heart, and my mind is not my education. My words are not my happines, but my tears, my disgust of so much false joy. I may forget the taste of sharp blades, or honor, or dignity, as humans always seem to forget the true sense of life. My words are just mere children playing in the grass. I just hope their tiny feet won`t be cut by all the blades and glasses hidden beneath the leaves.

井の中の蛙大海を知らず。

Letter To The People

dear people, I woke up this morning, had about 2 cups of coffee made from the dirty water that I left on the desk last night. It tasted like shit... esspecially that I dropped a cigarette in it (but that has no importance right now), yet, I don`t feel stupid enough to hate myself. After all... there can be worse.

I grabbed my coat, as I had to be at the office at 8. But the stupid cab driver didn`t trust me enough when he saw my price-charming-mornin`-face, so he decided to leave me there and drive on his own. I got scared. Actually I ran back upstairs and watched myself in a mirror... and I thought that I really look like shit... yet, I don`t feel stupid enough to run away from myself, after all... there can be worse.

Ok, so I was late for bloody work. I ran all the way to the office with people watching me strangely, asking themselves why the fuck I would run like a schizofrenic raped by a doney. I kept asking myself, if they were in a hurry, if my rush was lame, if they forgot that they do that every morning too, and despite that, they seemed quite surprised by me. So, when I got to the office, instead of going directly to the desk, I end up in the bathroom, poo-ing and peacefully thinking if I was wrong and people from the streets was right. Conclusion, I was neither wrong, nor stupid to run away from myself, after all, there can be worse.

I finally got to my desk. Papers, sheets, toilet paper, people... everywhere. Phone ringing, messages, myself. I`m focused. More focused than ever. I feel like crystal clear with myself. I have no reason to run away, to hide, to chase ghosts. I am free. And I am not stupid. And not running away anylonger.

Faithfully,
Lady Arwen

Don`t step over my dreams

It`s so difficult for elves to learn how to hide their faces as they`ve never been tought to wear masks. Mirrors know not how to tell lies, nor to hide away what`s obvious to the human kind. Elves have strong minds, but delicate souls... one noisy pain in human mind can brake them easily. An elf with a broken soul dies slowly. He learns the lie, the loneliness, the agony and the despair.

So don`t step over my dreams... you will brake them with your footsteps.