Puzzles Of Life

In over 3 thousand years of life one can never expect what life or death may offer. I have no idea how I started to leave or when I started to die. I may never know the true answer to that, despite the fact they say that if you find the root, you will be able to cut the problem off. Sometimes I remember my father sitting down at his desk, watching me over his glasses. My father is not young, like my step father. He`s old, I may even say that he`s a walking encyclopedia. I have never find one single question to give him trouble. I am also able to say that he has lived his life pretty much to the max, as any respected cancer would do in his shoes: three wives, two daughters and lots of wine and women. Sometimes I even admire him for being a cynical concerning people. Sometimes it is good to ignore people, or their opinion, exactly like he had done most of his life. I think I am born either in the wrong place in universe, or in the wrong time, because all I can see is a permanent change into worse. I`m not saying that my father is a role model, not at all. On the contrary, I might say he was among the worst of his time. But comparing what has been with what it is happening nowadays, I am able to say that my father is the most educated, wise, smart, polite son of a bitch I`ve ever met. Why? I have no idea why. Actually I do: we are going in the wrong direction... all of us. That wouldn`t be a problem, if I still found nice things to comment on, or to look upon. But every day when I look around I get scared first of what I see, and second, that I may someday become what I see.
To create an own small universe is very difficult. Leaving that universe is even more difficult. Starting a new one based on security and stability is, maybe, the most difficult target. So I came to respect strong people. Pity they have become rare birds in the flux of life. Being a prisoner of material life sucks big time. Becoming a prisoner of material life sucks more. Acknowledging it is agonizing, at least for me. Freedom is one luxury very few people afford. I am not free. I am caught in the middle of the waterfall. I want out and I am aware that I will never be able to get out and create. My words sometimes become mute and corny. I feel them corny and I can`t change them, no matter how hard I fight with myself. Tendencies of reacting to daily competition distract me from what I was supposed to do. I can`t find my place, I can`t find myself in all that. That`s how I know I don`t belong here, or now. I can`t find any honor or truth in what I live. There must be something else, something more than eyes can meet. To cry for the country is noble, to die for the country is the highest honor one may ask from God.