Goddess looking for God

I felt lost (not that I didn`t like it), haven`t managed to find myself just yet. Probably it will take me a life time to do so, and I am not sure it is going to be as complete as my mind desires.
I fell down, then got up, just to stand tall face to face with my agony, to tell it "I love you", but I didn`t feel better, because I wanted more.
I`ve been searching pain, and I found it where I didn`t expect it to be, wandering in my mind and in my heart, as if it had been there since my very beginning.

I am my own Creator, as no one has ever been able to shape me after own appearance... anyone but myself.
I am my own God, because I have always found inside me an illogical amount of life and strength. Experience has made me rich, as life has always abundantly supplied me with resources and values to be kept inside.
I am ice, as no one has ever truely melted my consciousness.
I am in denial.

Where are you? I know where you are.
Are your followers better than Me?

For Sasha

How do you say your heart is raining fear,
And words are mute inside your mind?
How does the sky keep being clear,
When darkness falls upon your mind?

How do you cry in empty rhymes,
The agony that drains your life,
Long years ended all in crimes,
Small painful talks begun in strife?

How can you shout to all the Gods,
That you have cried and crawled in dirt,
That you would die for sake of odds,
That you would pay for all this hurt?

How can you look into my eyes,
Since you`ve forgotten all I`ve loved?
Your life and heart are full of lies,
Your life and heart by hell are gloved.

Just sail away and kill my dreams
With bitter words and tiny lives!
Abandon me in Sasha`s screams,
I`ll fall asleep on beds of knives.

Perfection

Do you want me to be perfect? Because I can do that, so you will be pleased.
Do you want me to change my hairstyle? It is an easy way for you to breathe fresh air for a while.
Do your want me to wear contacts? They won`t hide what`s beneath the color.
Do you want me to cry? I will do that, if my tears will cover your heart with joy.
Do you want me to sell my body for you? Because I can do that to make you rich.
Do you want me to fight in a war for your name? I will do it if that makes you feel like a king.
Do you want me to go to a convent? Because in this way you will know that I`m physically clean.
Do you want me to be cool? Because I know that my universe written in huge mithril letters bores you like hell.
Do you want me to act differently than my usual self? Because I`ve got thousands of colorful masks, I went to Venice esspecially to buy them all.
Do you want me to be low? Because I know that this will make you feel better than me.


I dont want to be cool. That will kill all my unicorns.
I don`t want to be your hore. That will kill your respect for me.
I don`t want to change my hairstyle. That will teach you to accept me as I am.
I don`t want to wear contacts. That will make you see my truth.
I don`t want to be perfect. That will teach you to see your own flaws.
I don`t want to cry. That will teach you not to cry, and be strong.
I don`t want to fight your wars. That will teach you how to be a king.
I don`t want to go to a convent. That will teach you to accept your dirtiness.
I don`t want to be someone else. That will teach you to always tell the truth.
I don`t want to be low. That will teach you how NOT to hurt other people.